The Beginning of the End
I awoke with a knot in my stomach. Ugh, I wanted to bury my head under my pillow, pretend the world wasn’t there. I knew this pattern of tolerating what I shouldn’t in my romantic relationships and of course when you think you are done with it, another layer will rear it’s ugly head.
As I dragged myself to the bathroom, I was silently beating myself up. Grunting, I looked into the mirror and decided not to do this to myself again. No, I am not doing this game again, and I am not going to repeat these choices.
‘I am done!’ I furiously thought. I could feel the strength of my resolve singing in my cells, as I smacked my fist on the bathroom sink.
Fueled by my determination and the power it brought, I stepped outside to go to my morning appointment. Biking through East Amsterdam, I was enjoying this new perspective and the world seemed to shine bright. The sun was out and I felt good as I was energetically pedaling away on my bike.
As I approached the roundabout I saw a car coming towards me and I slowed down. The driver had 10 seconds at least to notice me and it looked like he was slowing down. He saw me, right? Guess not.
As I flew through the air there was no panic, no surprise, just resignation and trust. In slow motion I saw my bike fly in one direction as I skidded across the hood of the car like a stone skipping on water, and crashed into the asphalt on the other side. I remember thinking my white pants would probably never be white again.
Slowly coming back to real life speed I saw people rushing towards me from every direction, yelling things like: “OMG are you okay? You were hit really hard, stay down!” The driver was guiltily hanging around, while a woman squatted in front of me and started the first responder protocol by asking my name and stating hers.
I did my own assessment as I laid on the pavement. Bones intact, check. Head safe, check. Spine? Still straight as far as I can tell. Butt? Okay that one I felt. The people around me exclaimed it was a miracle. I chuckled, because they didn’t know how right they were.
My body still seemed allright, but more so, I instinctively knew I’d have no serious injuries. For the past 4 years I did my protective light explosions every day almost religiously, because of moments like these. And I also knew that when something slips through and I do create something like this, it is to clear some serious karma.
The ambulance came and after thorough examination I was cleared for release. Stiff from lying on the ground and a painful tailbone, I limped to collect my things. My laptop had caught my fall, but astoundingly was still intact, and the bottle of beet juice hadn’t broken and stained my cream colored backpack. The backwheel of my bike was only slightly bent. And when I got home and took off my pants, even my white jeans had made it out without a scratch.
I felt the significance of the event and in meditation I heard I’d made such a clear decision that morning to live more impeccably and to choose truth over fear, that I had created the accident as an opportunity to purge karma from multiple lifetimes, physically held in my tailbone. Even as I shifted my weight awkwardly, gratitude flooded my heart.
“Karma comes from the unresolved (that which has not yielded its insights) issues we’ve repressed into the subconscious levels. These issues beg for resolution by presenting circumstances that give the opportunity to do so. [..]
Karma is simply an opportunity to gain insights you have overlooked in the past. ”
What is Karma?
We start this life with a certain amount of baggage from previous lives. The what-if’s and the if-only’s of hopes and dreams we did not live, emotional pain we held onto, deeds and trauma from cataclysms or personal events. It’s the blame, shame, guilt and regret we carry. Add to that our familial patterns and you have a fun formula for self-examination.
As an individuation of the Infinite, we have a certain perspective we play out, so that we get to know what we are, often by knowing what we are not. Our unresolved experiences from the past - a.k.a. karma - help shape that perspective.
We then recreate moments in this lifetime that hold the quality of resonating pain from back then, so that we have the opportunity to now resolve it more gracefully.
These are the themes you probably recognize, but we often do not realize how deep the roots run.
That day I made the ultimate decision to be done with this pattern and had worked on it enough to get to the point where I could.
That doesn’t mean that I was free of this theme yet. I needed at least a few reminders, almost tests, to see if I was willing to truly step into this new skin.
As we become aware of a pattern, it is no longer a tendency but a choice. Every time we are aware of repeating it, we can choose differently. Undoing what has been so deep rooted, will take you time, and there may be other factors at play like divine timing.
Now, a few years later (yes, it takes that long), I am finally ending this theme.
Your commitment to self growth is what counts. I can tell that decision back then was pivotal and I am reaping the rewards today.
