Sexual Attraction Has a Purpose
“I don’t understand… Tom is such a great friend and ‘brother’, why do I suddenly have the urge to kiss him?” I asked my friend Anne, as she jumped up and down in excitement because she loved the idea of us together. We’re both dear to her, and nothing would delight her more than us getting together.
Confused I continued: “I feel no attraction physically, it is still the same as always. But I hugged him and something stirred. Wanting to kiss him felt so natural, but when I look at him, I still see my brother. What is happening?!”
That week I had run into him 3 times. Normally we get together once every few months to have dinner and catch up; something was trying to clue me in on this connection being important. I just wasn’t sure how yet.
Soul Connection
It started with a lovely dinner. We’d not seen each other for almost a year and I was excited to hear how he was doing. We caught up on the balance between his project manager job and his personal passion of working with men. Like me, he’d started an endeavour that was close to his heart a couple of years ago and his way of doing business inspires me. At the time I did some design and marketing work for him. It’s how we’d gotten to know each other better over time.
That work relationship gradually turned into a friendship and deep appreciation. I enjoy and respect the way he brings his heart to everything he does and his non-attached view on things and he gets a kick out of me talking about aliens. So yes, we like each other.. as friends!
After talking for a while, we fell into a contented silence. I reached out and touched his knee without thinking. He responded to the energy and asked if I wanted to cuddle. We hugged, until I noticed I wanted to offer him a massage. Although touch was never a part of our friendship before, we also were no strangers to tantric spaces, so it still felt like nothing out of the ordinary. I started to feel sexual energy move, but I didn’t feel the need to act on it.
A few days later another friend called, saying she had tickets to one of my favorite musicians, Nessi Gomes. Excited to see her live again, I hopped on the train to Amsterdam and met my friends at the door. As I walked in, there was Tom. Surprised, I hugged him and asked him what he was doing here. He explained he got a last minute request to help out with concessions.
As the opening act played, he joined us where we were seated. Then Nessi came out and the emotion in her voice transported us to the deep realms within, soothing my soul and finding beauty in pain. Grouphugging and dancing with my best friends, my heart spilled over with love and gratitude for them being in my life.
Feeling blessed, I turned to Tom and we started this slow and sensual dance. I noticed how well we responded to each other, which was new. There was a subtle current that changed the energy between us. Afterwards, my friend said -having witnessed us- that if we would be lovers, our love making would be beautiful, for she seldom saw a couple so deeply attuned to each other.
Moving Into New Territory
Hugging him goodbye at the end of the evening, I couldn’t help but linger near his lips as I felt the sudden urge to kiss him. Struggling with the realisation, not wanting to impose on him, which frankly just made it a very awkward ordeal as I stiffly kissed him on the corner of his mouth. Tom kissed me back, but I couldn’t get over this being weird, so we left it at that. The kiss was nice though.
I thought we were still just friends, but when I saw Tom later that week something had definitely changed. I arrived early to help him set up for his party. As I put my quinoa salad on the counter, suddenly he was right behind me. My body went from the 1st of March to 4th of July in a heartbeat, as I tossed a cheeky grin over my shoulder. We launched into making out. We were so into each other that we didn’t even notice his roommate walk by.
Now, I make it a practice to listen to what happens in life and this was clearly a message. It was so out of the blue, I could tell it was trying to teach me something. At first I thought we would be great lovers, though I could feel I wasn’t supposed to be in a relationship with him, but for some reason my soul wanted to jump his bones.
Sexual Attraction Has a Purpose
I’d had these ‘learning connections’ before, but never with a friend like this. After we made out, we talked about it. Coming out of a long relationship, Tom just wanted to be free with whomever he wanted, and I didn’t want to be one of many. So we decided to leave it at this and not explore physically or romantically.
I decided to meditate on it, to gain clarity on this whirlwind romance. I strongly believe attractions are to show us that which we want to integrate in ourselves, because sexuality has a purpose. It underlines certain connections like a highlighter, saying pay attention!
A dear friend and colleague, once said the most wise thing to me. He confessed how in the beginning of us working together he felt attracted to me. He didn’t know what to do with that, until he realized that he just liked me. But because we were a man and a woman, our societal programming told us to do something with that.
This laid the foundation of being vigilant with my assumptions regarding relationships. I wanted to be aware of the stories our ego can create, and instead look at what a connection really wants to yield.
No Attachment to the Outcome
Relaying the whole story to Tallulah, my business partner, she told me she had been in my position before. She shared an experience where she suddenly felt this invitation to approach her friend to have sex, and got a clear intuitive message that there was something to be explored. Not feeling particularly attracted to him, she did go up to him and asked him sweetly, but point blank: “Would you have sex with me?”, to which he responded lightheartedly and in earnest: “Sure, anything for you honey.”
What rang true for me, was the non-attachment with which they had approached the situation. I had tried to explain to Tom how I could love someone without being in a relationship or just for one night. But in my arrogance of thinking I knew (hello ego-mind), I thought it would take time to learn the lessons and we needed to be lovers for a while.
I learned that it is more about sharing sexual energy, whether that is for just one moment or maybe even without touching. I once made love to someone just through eyegazing and it was sexual physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Recapitulization to Gain Insights and Reclaim Power
The timing of this exploration with Tom, was auspicious. Tallulah and I were in the middle of working on the online courses of Alchemy of Relationships and Sacred Sexuality, and as it goes with all the teaching material we produce: we had to live it ourselves first. Because as they say: ‘the best healers make the ones who have been there.’
Recapitulizing this situation, I could tell Tom carries qualities I was trying to empower in myself and because we knew each other well and deep appreciation was already there, this was a beautiful way for us both (for it’s always an exchange) to integrate and embody these frequencies.
After sharing my insights with him, I suspected that we’d already concluded what this brief romantic connection was for and when we saw each other again, the closeness remained but the lesson felt complete. Today we are as good of friends as ever, and I feel with more emotional intimacy.
This helped me deepen my understanding of the courses that we were creating. I got to see how the principals we are teaching, unfold in real life. Because I looked at it from this angle and Tom and I’d spoken about it so beautifully, I felt really empowered.
If you want to learn to gain the insights you need from the romantic connections you make or your relationships in general, take a look at this course or if you want to know more on using your sexual energy as the magic it truly is, take a look at this course.
